It's been a hard couple of weeks with Nia. The lying and manipulation takes it's toll on us all. I just can't trust her. I want to, but I can't.
God keeps reminding me over and over how my relationship with Nia mirrors His relationship with me. He wants me to embrace Him, come to Him when I'm hurt, communicate with Him about my deepest desires, obey Him, seek to please Him. I wish I could get inside Nia's heart and head to know what's really going on in there. All I see is the acting out of the pain and hurt that's inside. I'd love for her just once to say, "Ma, Ah very sad." or "Ma, Ah so happy to be part of dis family." I know I need to look to Jesus for my Kudos, and it's not Nia's job to fill my tank. Still doesn't make it easy to swallow.
I feel like a failure to her as a mommy. Half the time I don't know how to parent her. It's just not at all like anything I've ever experienced. I honestly don't even know if she likes us or likes being in America. Her behavior would tell me she doesn't, but I also know that she lies a lot. Therefore, maybe she really DOES like us but is just too afraid to let us know. It's like she's afraid we'll have the upper hand if she is vulnerable.
Tonight I had one small, teeny window of hope......she admitted that she lies to us quite a bit. Of course, this was only after we confronted her about something, but I still can't believe she actually said it out loud. I asked her if she understood why I don't trust her. She said, "Because I lie." I nearly lost it right then and there. That may have been the most honest she's ever been with us.
God, please bring our daughter to You! Please break down the walls that so closely guard her heart against any love. Show me how to love her when she is unlovable. Protect my heart against apathy towards her. I truly feel that for her to change will be a miracle that only You can do. Glorify Yourself. Be Big in her life and mine! Father, give me a sense of humor when I'm feeling heavy from the daily grind. Lighten this load.